Being sick and staying home from work is a woefully underdeveloped art.  Infused as we are with the so-called Protestant work ethic (specific religious affiliations aside), our usual response to illness is to continue to drag ourselves in until we can neither work effectively nor stay home gracefully.  This crisis-reactive approach to sickness eliminates all trace of finesse from the activity.

In order to raise our standards, a few guidelines are necessary...

When to be sick

Being sick on a Monday lacks credibility and is therefore seldom appropriate.  Everyone will assume you’ve merely exceeded your weekend party quotient.  Avoid being sick on a Friday, too.  In addition to being accused of copping a long weekend, you’ll miss casual Friday, and the TGIF celebration after work.

Unless absolutely necessary, being sick on a Wednesday is rarely a good idea.  A Wednesday absence leaves you with a week composed of two Mondays and two Fridays, too much for anyone to endure and likely to make you truly ill.  The best day to stay home from work is Tuesday.  Being sick on a Tuesday gives you a chance to come in Monday and check the weekend mail.  When you return on Wednesday (or even Thursday), you’ll have a short week and Friday will be there before you know it.

If Tuesday isn’t possible, your choice should be Thursday.  Thursday’s only drawback is that you already will have worked three days and may be too tired to enjoy being home sick.  As for the weekend, don’t even consider it.  Being sick on a weekend is such a waste as to be unworthy of discussion.

Choosing your malady

You’ll want to avoid anything too serious.  Being really ill takes all the fun out of staying home sick.  A good rule of thumb is to stay clear of any illness that keeps you awake or spoils your appetite.  Severe headaches and anything that affects your eyesight also should be avoided.  Such conditions could interfere with television watching and novel reading, two stay-at-home activities second in importance only to eating and sleeping.

If indeed you feel truly awful, it’s best to go to work.  (How can you enjoy staying home when you feel so bad?)  Take along cough medicine, tissues and OTC pain relievers.  After transferring the pain relievers into a large, dark prescription vial, arrange the three items across the front of your desk and suffer visibly.  For those deprived of observing your discomfort firsthand, wheeze and cough into the phone

How to call in sick

The best way to call in sick is not to call.  Have someone else call for you.  Try to select a volunteer who can sound appropriately concerned and will employ descriptive adjectives.  If available, a friend with some background in community theater is a nice choice.  Be sure to instruct your caller to be vague concerning your immediate prospects for recovery and your eventual return to work.  Should you find you must place the call yourself, have audible symptoms.  Partial laryngitis is always effective, as is overwhelming nasality.  If you plan to employ coughing, you may wish to warm up before dialing.

What to do while you are home sick

Of the four activities fundamental to staying home sick, eating is the most important.  This is not the time to worry about counting calories or carbs.  After all, you’ve got to get your strength back.  In addition to the near-mythological chicken soup, chocolate-covered doughnuts and pepperoni pizzas have been known to work wonders.

Your next consideration should be rest.  When you are home sick, lethargy is not only permissible, it is therapeutic.  After calling in sick, go back to bed.  Before dropping off, you may want to set your alarm so you can wake up for lunch before your afternoon nap.