The universe is expanding, so pretty soon it should be easier to find a parking space at the mall.  This may also mean you'll have more closet space, which is cause for celebration if you're an apartment dweller.  If, on the other hand, you own your own home, the expansion of the universe means your front yard is getting bigger.  It's going to take more time out of your weekend to cut the grass and, with that larger lot, your property taxes could go up.

The physical world that appears so solid and immutable really isn't.  Everything all the time is in a state of flux, which is probably better than being in the state of New Jersey, but still fairly disconcerting.  (Actually, the expansion of the universe might mean New Jersey is getting bigger, not a happy thought for some of us.)

The most important lesson of physics is that nothing is quite as it appears, except New Jersey, which is every bit as bad as it appears, especially around Patterson.  For instance, glass - which seems to be solid - isn't.  It's really a liquid.  When you fill your glass with wine, what you have is a liquid contained in a liquit.  This does not inspire confidence when you're standing in your mother-in-law's living room on her precious white carpet holding a glass of merlot.

You've probably noticed that every year it's more difficult to hoist your body out of the car without an assist from a passing forklift.  You may have thought that this had something to do with your advancing age.  Not so.  It's because everytime you drive your car around town, you wear down the pavement a little.  And, as we've discussed, the universe is expanding.  Those curbs really are higher than they used to be.

Now, if you were to drive consistently as far to the right as possible, rubbing your tires along the curb as you go, I suppose you might widen the lane in time, which would give your forklift a little more room to maneuver.  Chances are, though, your tires would wear out first.  Then again, maybe not.  We don't know everything.

Of course, regardless of what lane you choose, the more you drive around, the faster the exterior of your car erodes.  And while wind and rain are wearing away the outside of your car, you're sitting in the car wearing out the inside.  This means your car is getting smaller on the outside and bigger on the inside.  Not only should this make it easier to get your car in the garage, you'll probably find you have more leg room, too.

We do know that every time you put a coat of paint on the walls, your bedroom gets smaller.  This may or may not be offset by the expansion of the universe, but if I were you, I wouldn't use any paint that doesn't cover in one coat.  If, like a sensible person, you don't paint your closets - I mean, who's going to be looking in there? - and the universe expands at a greater rate than the total volume of your belongings, pretty soon your closet will be bigger than your room.  This isn't really a problem.  Just make your closet into your room or vice versa.  Of course, your bedroom wouldn't have any windows, but it's dark when you're sleeping.  What is it you need to see out there, anyway?

At the same time, the ceilings in your house get lower every time you paint, but you don't need to stoop because all your floors are wearing down, especially in the hallway between the family room to the kitchen.  With all the late night shuffling back and forth to the refrigerator during commercials, it's a wonder you can still reach the light switch.  At the same time, our slipper-socks are getting thinner on the bottom which, by the way, with all that snacking... you are not.

Speaking of socks, the lint in your dryer screen is proof positive of what apparel scientists call "progressive nonreversible garment attrition."  In lay terminology, this simply means your clothes are wearing out.  Bit by bit, your best jeans, your favorite sweatshirt and your good old flannel shirt are disintegrating, not quite before your eyes but inside your dryer, site of many mysteries of the universe.

Assuming that you launder your clothes in the usual manner, this wear is occurring on the exterior and posterior surfaces of your garments.  That is, front and back, your clothes are getting smaller.  This may explain why your jeans have been feeling a little tight lately.

Turn all your clothes inside-out before putting them in the laundry and they'll still wear out, but they'll wear out from the inside instead of the outside, which means your jeans will get bigger instead of smaller.  In fact, if you wash everything inside-out on a regular basis, you may be able to get by for another month or two before you have to hit the mall for a supply of clothes in a larger size, in spite of all that snacking.

No matter how tight your jeans get, don't be tempted to diet.  Take it from me... limiting your caloric intake is a scientifically unsound choice.  Einstein taught us that matter can neither be created or destroyed.  This, of course, is why diets don't work.